Where to begin

Hello my old friend. It's been since February?! Wow. The thought of even trying to post my thoughts and what's been going on since is overwhelming. I think I've clicked the "X" on this browser three times, and then reopened it...because I really do love spending time right here. I'm always struck with the question of: why am I writing on this dang thing? There's a fine balance between doing something I love--writing... and writing to be seen, for other to think highly of me. Maybe that's why I took a break for a while, my heart wasn't in the right place. Who knows, well I'm back.

I'll tell you this...these past six months have been just a whole lot of emotions colliding...head on. Coming home from spending three months at a Young Life camp and from spending three months with the some of the greatest people I've ever lived life with was hard. It was overwhelming and confusing. It was exhausting trying to process the summer while being slapped quite hard in the face with detail after detail after thing after thing that needed to be done. The "how was your summer?" question quickly started to become my least favorite question. I didn't know how in the heck to answer that. "Well uh it was good, it was hard, I'm not really sure, how was yours?". I was transitioning from withdrawing from NCSU, to heading into seminary courses at Southeastern Theological, to trying to find a job, to moving into a house, to becoming team leader, to starting on YL student staff. All good things. All just very overwhelming things.

I was hit with reality when I didn't get to wake up next to nine of my best friends, when I didn't get to see Kagney slouched in that broken chair each morning, when I wasn't greeted with Mere at 4PM in the kitchen on those slightly dreadful Monday nights, when I no longer got to listen to Emily's stories of the pure ruckus that went on in that barn that day, when Sunday nights weren't spent running (sweating) around the obstacle course and radioing Mike with the ever so classic, "uh we got another lantern out", when Fridays didn't consist of sitting in that Toyota 4 Runner soaking in the wisdom that flowed from Kfar. When walking was now an actual walk, not a sprint around the camp with Jordan lol. When at 6AM Tuesday mornings I wasn't eating kettle chips with MC and Tuesday nights were no longer spent sitting, simply being, and worshipping with the other interns. When I no longer stepped out of my bed and pulled the curtain to this:

Instead life in Raleigh right now looks a little it more like this: ok wake up early, try to spend time with Jesus, oh but wait I need to move this into the new house, oh and that pile of laundry I should probably fold, ok now try to watch these online lectures, oh what about my YL girls, I need to text them and hang out with them, oh man I didn't get a chance to spend time with Jesus today, oh it's time to leave to go and babysit, get back with enough time to have coffee with this friend, I'm going to be really present while I'm having with coffee with my friend, OHH but wait don't forget to send that email to those parents, hopefully I also don't forget to check in on how my fundraising is going, and oh yeah I need to make sure I make that appointment and get to Target to buy those frames for the house. Shoot I should probably call my mom. Oh it's midnight and I need to wake up at 6AM and hopefully try to read my Bible? Crap.

WHAT?!

Getting my soul to quiet down these days, particularly these mornings is kind of like trying to get a four year old to sit still in church. Always distracted. The early hours are good, it's quiet, and His Word is loud. But yet still hard to hear because of the lists and things to do flowing non stop through my head. I tell myself, ok I need this really bad this morning, be still, get past the thoughts in your head and read. Read it over and over and over again. It hard, it's really hard.

But what I do know is Jesus never said it would be easy.

He just told us He would give us all of Himself if we give Him all of ourselves — our mind, our soul, our strength.

Our heart.

So that's just what I'll do.

It's going to be messy, but through it I'll keep my eyes fixed on Him, I'll remember the goodness of what I learned and who I met in that Valley, I'll remember that the same God on that mountain is the same God here in Raleigh. I'll stop making excuses, and I'll put myself in front of the Lord. I'll find that silent spot in my life-in the midst of the chaos and I'll listen. I'll listen to the God who can't keep his eyes off of me, to the God who delights in me, to the God who cups my face in His hands and turns it back towards His.

-Isaiah 62:4-

You shall no more be termed Forsaken,

    and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,

but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her.