This summer has shaped who I am, my walk with the Lord and the rest of my life. I want to exit this. I want to stop typing. I don't even know where to begin, I'm just going to ramble, no one cares, it's too hard, I'll process later. I can't think about it long enough to type this--all thoughts running through my head.
I'm exhausted, worn out, refreshed, and renewed all at one time. I'm longing to be back, content to be here, and excited for this season of life all at one time. I can hear the Lord more clearly than ever but at the same time am having a hard time putting my finger on what exactly He's whispering to me right now.
This summer I heard the Lord audibly challenging me to bring light to dark things of my past. I heard the Lord tell me He was proud of me. I heard the Lord call me by name. I heard the Lord swoon me out of bed every single morning to sit and be with Him in the silence of that living room. I felt the Lord scoop His arm around me, cup me in His arms and nudge me really close to Him. I felt the Lord give me new lenses. Lenses that see people like He does.
I felt the Lord wrap His arms around me tighter this summer than I have ever felt before.
First session, my best friend and Young Life leader spent an entire month with me in the place I love most. We got to love on high school girls together and we got to look back six years ago to when I was one of those high school girls. I got to watch the Gospel play out full circle.
Second session, I got to leave one holy ground and enter into another. I spent the week with girls who I cherish at the very place where I fell in love with Jesus. I got to watch each one of them stand up and claim their new identity in Christ.
Third session, I got to soak in every single second of the community the Lord placed me in. I got to process the entirety of the summer & I left Crooked Creek being more in love with Jesus than when I came.
And then I came back to Raleigh and was greeted by people who I love so deeply. It was so good and so overwhelming. 24 hours later I left Raleigh to go to Asheville with my family. The following weekend I left and spent the weekend at the beach with Greater Raleigh Young Life for leader’s weekend. The weekend after that I went to Seattle & Portland with two of my very best friends. The weekend after that I took YL girls to Windy Gap for work crew. And this weekend I’m HOME! And it rocks. Don’t get me wrong- I loved the last four weeks. They were centered around really great people but, it was running me dry.
This morning was the first morning in a really long time that I had no agenda and that I was simply able to just be. And man did I soak.it.in. Friday night I went to sleep giddy, knowing that Saturday morning would be full of a lot of goodness. I slept in, nailed the perfect French Press ratio, and made Kellza and I each a bowl of granola.
Let me just say-there have been countless times when I sit back in awe that I get to live with my twin sister & best friend. She is easily the biggest picture of redemption in my life. A few times a week we wake up and are eager to share things that we’re learning with one another. I can’t tell you how many times I jump up from my chair in the middle of what I’m reading and run across the hall to tell her something the Lord is teaching me. I learn so incredibly much from her.
I spent two and a half hours this morning in silence, just processing with the Lord.
The past week I’ve felt just plain frustrated. My eczema is FLARING for the first time in the past 6 months (don’t get me started, people), my schedule is all kinds of jumping around, and my time with the Lord just doesn’t feel intimate. I feel off from my summer rhythm.
I feel defeated and I’m confident it’s rubbed off on people around me. Including my YL girls. They know me as, “the busiest girl in Raleigh” and I HATE that. I feel spread too thin which floods into my time with them. I’m showing up. I’m checking after school, lunches, texts replied to, coffee plans, campaigners, club, and invites off the list.
From the outside I’m holding it all together, I’m keeping a steady sprint. I’m going through the motions really dang well. But, on the inside I’m not being present with them--I’m far from it. I’m thinking about the next things that are on my Google Calendar or my to-do list. Sounds similar to how I’ve been spending my mornings with the Lord.
And then I got caught. I got a text from one of my girls a few nights ago that read: "Are you okay?" and saying I had seemed distant ever since I'd been back. And then my flesh enters in and tells me to get defensive:
“Are you kidding me?! Does she know how many times I’ve been at Athens these past two weeks?! Does she even know that I plan my entire schedule around them?! Did she not just sit and see the campaigners I lead with 25 girls around me?! How dare she question if I’m, “ok”. Me?! Of course I’m ok. I’m Sarah McGlynn. The team leader, the girl who knows Young Life, the role model to these girls, the “she’s got it all together”.
No, I’m not okay. I’m exhausted. Quite frankly it’d be more fair to you if I didn’t show up at all these past 4 weeks then show up distracted, show up faking it, show up in the midst of juggling when I told that girl I’d hang out and when I told that girl I’d get coffee.
It’s not fair to them. I’m thankful she saw right through my mask. I’m thankful that she was bold enough to ask her YL leader if she was ok.
I’m thankful for a breakdown in the dermatologist parking lot the day after when my mom asks me the same question, “are you okay?”. And I respond through a cracked voice and tears streaming down my face, “No, I’m not okay.”
I’m done having it all together. I’m going to let Athens girls, my team, my friends, and my parents down a lot. And that’s okay. But how dare I show up to that school, look straight through those girls and wonder what time it is and where do I need to be next. I’m done with that. I’m going to be present. I’m going to look whoever’s right in front of me straight into the eyes and I’m going to hear the Lord whisper to me, “Hey, that one-she’s my favorite. I died on the Cross for her.” I’m going to listen and love their heart.
I’m thankful for time to sit and process and to be the real Sarah. The Sarah who lets people down, the Sarah who fails her YL girls at times, and the Sarah who doesn’t always have it all together.
But-the Sarah who knows to her core the deep love and grace her Jesus has for her. The Sarah who knows to her core her identity in being a cherished, delighted in, favorite one of the King of Kings.
What a sigh of relief that I don’t have to do this alone. Thank you, Jamie for asking me if I was okay. And thank you, Jesus for the freedom to say, “No, I’m not.”
PSALM 73:22-28 (voice + esv jammed together)
But I didn’t know the truth; I was ignorant
But look at this; You are still holding my right hand; You have been all along
Even though I was angry & hard hearted,
You will receive me to glory
For all my wanting, I don’t have anyone but You in heaven.
There is nothing on earth that I desire other than You.
I admit how broken I am in body & spirirt.
My flesh and my heart are going to fail,
But God is my strength and He will be mine forever.
But the closer I am to you, my God, the better because
life with You is good.
O Lord, You keep my safe--I will tell everyone what You have done.
