Saturday, September 17, 2016

My flesh & my heart may fail

This summer has shaped who I am, my walk with the Lord and the rest of my life. I want to exit this. I want to stop typing. I don't even know where to begin, I'm just going to ramble, no one cares, it's too hard, I'll process later. I can't think about it long enough to type this--all thoughts running through my head.


I'm exhausted, worn out, refreshed, and renewed all at one time. I'm longing to be back, content to be here, and excited for this season of life all at one time. I can hear the Lord more clearly than ever but at the same time am having a hard time putting my finger on what exactly He's whispering to me right now.


This summer I heard the Lord audibly challenging me to bring light to dark things of my past. I heard the Lord tell me He was proud of me. I heard the Lord call me by name. I heard the Lord swoon me out of bed every single morning to sit and be with Him in the silence of that living room. I felt the Lord scoop His arm around me, cup me in His arms and nudge me really close to Him. I felt the Lord give me new lenses. Lenses that see people like He does.


I felt the Lord wrap His arms around me tighter this summer than I have ever felt before.


First session, my best friend and Young Life leader spent an entire month with me in the place I love most. We got to love on high school girls together and we got to look back six years ago to when I was one of those high school girls. I got to watch the Gospel play out full circle.


Second session, I got to leave one holy ground and enter into another. I spent the week with girls who I cherish at the very place where I fell in love with Jesus. I got to watch each one of them stand up and claim their new identity in Christ.


Third session, I got to soak in every single second of the community the Lord placed me in. I got to process the entirety of the summer & I left Crooked Creek being more in love with Jesus than when I came.


And then I came back to Raleigh and was greeted by people who I love so deeply. It was so good and so overwhelming. 24 hours later I left Raleigh to go to Asheville with my family. The following weekend I left and spent the weekend at the beach with Greater Raleigh Young Life for leader’s weekend. The weekend after that I went to Seattle & Portland with two of my very best friends. The weekend after that I took YL girls to Windy Gap for work crew. And this weekend I’m HOME! And it rocks. Don’t get me wrong- I loved the last four weeks. They were centered around really great people but, it was running me dry.


This morning was the first morning in a really long time that I had no agenda and that I was simply able to just be. And man did I soak.it.in. Friday night I went to sleep giddy, knowing that Saturday morning would be full of a lot of goodness. I slept in, nailed the perfect French Press ratio, and made Kellza and I each a bowl of granola.

Let me just say-there have been countless times when I sit back in awe that I get to live with my twin sister & best friend. She is easily the biggest picture of redemption in my life. A few times a week we wake up and are eager to share things that we’re learning with one another. I can’t tell you how many times I jump up from my chair in the middle of what I’m reading and run across the hall to tell her something the Lord is teaching me. I learn so incredibly much from her.


I spent two and a half hours this morning in silence, just processing with the Lord.


The past week I’ve felt just plain frustrated. My eczema is FLARING for the first time in the past 6 months (don’t get me started, people), my schedule is all kinds of jumping around, and my time with the Lord just doesn’t feel intimate. I feel off from my summer rhythm.


I feel defeated and I’m confident it’s rubbed off on people around me. Including my YL girls. They know me as, “the busiest girl in Raleigh” and I HATE that. I feel spread too thin which floods into my time with them. I’m showing up. I’m checking after school, lunches, texts replied to, coffee plans, campaigners, club, and invites off the list.


From the outside I’m holding it all together, I’m keeping a steady sprint. I’m going through the motions really dang well. But, on the inside I’m not being present with them--I’m far from it. I’m thinking about the next things that are on my Google Calendar or my to-do list. Sounds similar to how I’ve been spending my mornings with the Lord.


And then I got caught. I got a text from one of my girls a few nights ago that read: "Are you okay?" and saying I had seemed distant ever since I'd been back. And then my flesh enters in and tells me to get defensive:

“Are you kidding me?! Does she know how many times I’ve been at Athens these past two weeks?! Does she even know that I plan my entire schedule around them?! Did she not just sit and see the campaigners I lead with 25 girls around me?! How dare she question if I’m, “ok”. Me?! Of course I’m ok. I’m Sarah McGlynn. The team leader, the girl who knows Young Life, the role model to these girls, the “she’s got it all together”.


No, I’m not okay. I’m exhausted. Quite frankly it’d be more fair to you if I didn’t show up at all these past 4 weeks then show up distracted, show up faking it, show up in the midst of juggling when I told that girl I’d hang out and when I told that girl I’d get coffee.


It’s not fair to them. I’m thankful she saw right through my mask. I’m thankful that she was bold enough to ask her YL leader if she was ok.


I’m thankful for a breakdown in the dermatologist parking lot the day after when my mom asks me the same question, “are you okay?”. And I respond through a cracked voice and tears streaming down my face, “No, I’m not okay.”


I’m done having it all together. I’m going to let Athens girls, my team, my friends, and my parents down a lot. And that’s okay. But how dare I show up to that school, look straight through those girls and wonder what time it is and where do I need to be next. I’m done with that. I’m going to be present. I’m going to look whoever’s right in front of me straight into the eyes and I’m going to hear the Lord whisper to me, “Hey, that one-she’s my favorite. I died on the Cross for her.” I’m going to listen and love their heart.


I’m thankful for time to sit and process and to be the real Sarah. The Sarah who lets people down, the Sarah who fails her YL girls at times, and the Sarah who doesn’t always have it all together.


But-the Sarah who knows to her core the deep love and grace her Jesus has for her. The Sarah who knows to her core her identity in being a cherished, delighted in, favorite one of the King of Kings.


What a sigh of relief that I don’t have to do this alone. Thank you, Jamie for asking me if I was okay. And thank you, Jesus for the freedom to say, “No, I’m not.”


PSALM 73:22-28 (voice + esv jammed together)
But I didn’t know the truth; I was ignorant
But look at this; You are still holding my right hand; You have been all along
Even though I was angry & hard hearted,
You will receive me to glory
For all my wanting, I don’t have anyone but You in heaven.
There is nothing on earth that I desire other than You.
I admit how broken I am in body & spirirt.
My flesh and my heart are going to fail,
But God is my strength and He will be mine forever.
But the closer I am to you, my God, the better because
life with You is good.
O Lord, You keep my safe--I will tell everyone what You have done.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

A Letter to my New Teamie

2 years ago was the start of the best years of my life. I remember the anticipation of wondering which Young Life team and which high school I would be placed at. Athens freaking Drive. Being a YL leader has grown me, pruned me, and taught me more than I could have ever imagined. I am giddy with excitement because TONIGHT we get two new teammates. Two new people to run alongside of us as we run alongside of Jesus in the work He's doing.

 A letter to my new teamie:

I’ve been freaking waiting for you. WE, as a team have been praying for YOU! Get ready. The Lord just hand picked YOU for what I believe (maybe I’m biased) is the greatest school in Greater Raleigh. This team of people are a people rooted in Jesus whose hearts LONG for these Athens kids to know full life. So, WELCOME!

Our focus is not to try to be the coolest YL leaders or the greatest YL leaders in the area. Or to have the most kids at our club or campaigners. Our focus is the Athen’s kids hearts. It’s to recognize that we, ourselves are broken and messed up. That we are simply along for the ride with the King of Kings. That we don’t have the power of bringing these kids from death to life but we follow the One who does. It’s to simply be WITH these kids, to show up in their lives, to care for them, to love them in hopes that Jesus would move in their hearts. Our focus is to be a team who seeks first the Kingdom. To be a team who holds one another accountable, a team who is vulnerable with each other, a team who extends grace to one another, a team who reminds each other that we cannot do this without spending time with Jesus, a team who knows that we are simply seed planters and that it’s not going to be us who changes these kids hearts. Our focus is not to put on club or a bunch of events in the name of Young Life. It is to do absolutely every single thing, from switching on the lights in between songs at club to praying with a kid at summer camp in THE NAME OF JESUS and for HIS Glory and HIS Glory alone. Not for our Glory, or our ego, our our reputation.

That is who Athens Young Life is. And we are PUMPED that YOU are joining us for the ride. I once heard it put that it’s like ‘Bring your kid to work day’. That’s us. That’s ministry. Jesus brings us to work with Him.The Lord is doing the work, the Lord makes the calls. He doesn’t need us at all, but he chooses us to come along with him. He chooses YOU to sit down with a girl over coffee and to listen to the utter brokenness in her life. He chooses YOU to step foot in that Athens parking lot & to watch as kids pour out of the front doors. He chooses YOU to have a front row seat of redemption in your girls’ lives.  He chooses YOU to be rejected time and time again. He chooses YOU to live life these girls. We just simply have to show up. What a privilege.

Here’s just a couple of practical things I’ll throw at ya, that I would have really wanted to know when becoming a Young Life leader:

  1. Wake up an hour early and spend time with Jesus. I”m telling you. This is a must. You will become dry, worn out and run down if you don’t. You have to go to His feet each morning and be filled with him. Find a routine. Don’t make it a checklist thing. Pray that He would wake you up in the morning refreshed and hungry to spend time in His Word. Maybe it’s praying a Psalm, maybe it’s journaling a prayer, maybe it’s reading aloud a chapter in Ephesians. Maybe it’s getting on your knees. Like actually getting on your knees and being silent to HEAR His voice.
  2. Contact work is scary. Stepping foot in that Athens parking lot is scary. BUT, it’s worth it. PRAY. Pray before you go to the school, pray before you get coffee with a girl, pray the day of club, pray before campaigners, pray for your girls. Prayer is the most powerful thing we can do.
  3. Don’t compare. Oh, how EASY it will be to compare yourself to your friends who are leaders. The moment they post that instagram or come home raving about how many girls came to this or that. Celebrate with them! Girls are seeing Jesus and that is awesome. But don’t compare. Don’t be discouraged if more girls are coming to their stuff than yours or if they have more phone numbers than you. Trust that the Lord is working through you. Whether you have one girl coming to things or 100 girls. He’s planting seeds and your work is not in vain.
  4. Plan your weeks on Sunday’s. Discipline is going to be key in being a YL leader. You have to manage your time. Sit down on Sunday’s and pre plan when you are going to go to after school, which games you will go to, when you will do contact work. You have to sacrifice things. There will come a day when you are in bed or have had a long day and the last thing you want to do is go to after school. Well, GO. Trust me. Get up and show up. And remind yourself that we’ve got a gift because the Athens parking lot is a total of 10 minutes from your front door. That rocks.
  5. Be who God made you to be. Girls are attracted to you and your personality is magnetic because JESUS is inside of you. Throw away the mask and live in the realm of knowing God made you to be specifically you, with your own unique likes/dislikes and gifts. High school girls are around enough people who put on fronts. Don’t be one of those. You are refreshing to them, they see something different in you. Never get so caught up in YL and going through the motions that you’re numb to the very truth you tell your YL girls. YOU are beloved, God is for YOU, He is jealous for YOU. His promises aren’t just for your girls, but also for you. Let your identity be rooted in Jesus.


I don’t have it all figured out, trust me. But I’m growing and I’m learning every day what it looks like to follow Jesus in this world. And I’m excited to do ministry with you and to be your teammate. Your heart will soon grow to cherish Athens Drive High School more than your very own high school, your heart will soon break for the high school girls you begin to live life with and your heart will begin to be changed simply by choosing to run after these girls like Jesus runs after you.
Welcome aboard and get ready for the ride of your life. Go Jags.